When to Quit

If you leave a situation for all the right reasons, you'll find that you gain more than you give up

Quitting Time? We all know perpetual quitters who don't commit to anything: deadbeat parents who quit paying child support, feckless friends who always start projects with gusto only to find some excuse to quit halfway through. We can fall into similar traps, quitting simply out of fear or the belief that we can't hack it. Worse, we may quit because we can't stand to feel stupid while we learn what we need to know to move forward.

These are cases of default quitting. You shortchange your opportunity to bring your gifts to the world while remaining paralyzed in unhealthy situations. Unfortunately, it's not always immediately clear whether you want to quit for worthy, or weak, intentions. If you suspect that you may be itching to abandon a situation or relationship for the wrong reason, examine your approach to the problem. Hire a coach or a therapist to figure out why default quitting is an issue for you. If, on the other hand, you truly feel that quitting may be the right choice for your situation, continue exploring. You might be ready for compassionate quitting, the kind in which you take into consideration all the ramifications of staying the course.

DEFAULT QUITTING

+You quit on a whim, in anger, or as a form of revenge.

+You feel that quitting is the only way to resolve problems.

+You blame others and rely on excuses.

+Quitting is a familiar pattern for you; people you trust call it "running away."

+You tend to abandon positive yet challenging situations in favor of familiar yet deadening ones.

COMPASSIONATE QUITTING

+You quit after self-exploration, not by impulse

+You quit to rescue your self-respect or health

+You feel as if a 1,000-pound gorilla leaves your chest once you make your decision

+You take responsibility for the choices that lead up to the decision without indulging in endless self-blame.

+You consult trusted advisers, not for answers but reflections.

Before you even attempt to think the problem through, ask your body what it feels. The body doesn't lie, although we can be extraordinarily adept at ignoring what it says. Once you have consulted the body, you're ready to consult the mind. We live in an age that promotes self-awareness but fails to show us how to use our self-awareness to arrive at good decisions. Go through the following questions in order and see whether you find enough value to stick with your current situation-or whether, especially as the questions progress, you've reached a point where it's time to break free.

1. Look back to the beginning, when you first started _______. (Fill in the situation, job, activity, or relationship you're considering quitting.) Did you enjoy it? Was it very good? If it was never very good, it'll never be very good. If it was once good, it might be worth working for.
2. Do you ever feel physically unsafe with _______? Is that level of risk worth it? In an intimate relationship, the answer must always be no. But in a job, a sport, or a neighborhood, the answer may be yes. If yes, what are you getting in return? Is it enough?
3. When you think about it, have you already made your decision? Are you already building a life, at least in your mind, that excludes _______?
4. If an omniscient being said it was okay to quit and nothing bad would happen, would you jump for joy? Or would you be sad to leave? Be playful. Suspend your adult self for this question.
5. Do you regularly feel humiliated, shamed, or invisible in regard to _______? Think about whether someone or something in the situation is contributing to your feelings of worthlessness. Can you change this factor, or do you need to move on?
6. Are you able to tell the truth to yourself and others in regard to _______? Do you feel you are being told the truth most of the time? Without truth, there is no connection to self or others.
7. Do you keep waiting for _______ to change? Have you drawn a line in the sand-only to back up and redraw it, and then redraw it again? Of course, the lines we redraw most often are the ones we make for ourselves.
8. Are you still growing and learning in ways that matter to you? If you still feel you're moving toward a future that delights you, that's a very positive sign. If not, it may be time to quit.
9. Are you comparing your current reality to a dream or a fantasy?
10. If you knew you couldn't fail if you quit, what would you do? What's the first thing that comes to mind? Make a list, writing quickly. Fear of failing and fear of getting what we want stops many an option from surfacing.